dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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