Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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