I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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