Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
