I cannot find my penis.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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