remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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