His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
