Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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