Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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