I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
