You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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