im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i think my cat just said my name.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I am one with the molecules
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
