So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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