does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
