Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
