I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i drank out of a bidet.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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