Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
