he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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