Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
