Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
