I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
