did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
