A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
FUCK WHALES
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
