It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
