why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
tequila makes me forget i have legs
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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