wat bout pragnant strippers??
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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