Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
