What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
