Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
