Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
