I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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