i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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