dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
