Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Terrible idea I love it
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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