I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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