You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
