There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
