her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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