How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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