I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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