I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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