People with herpes should wear stickers.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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