i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Blood and glitter go together right?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
