Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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