then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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