im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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