I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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