There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
