i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
