i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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