My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
