Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
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