batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
