You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
