You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize