I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You brought string cheese to the strip club
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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