There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize