If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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