She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
