OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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